Yesterday’s class (for me) was very productive.

I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately – regarding what I want to do and what I see myself as being in the future. I have been so confused lately and have been putting the pressure on… for no reason. It’s what I do. I am a stress-head and me stressing being confused comes across in class. I know that. I can’t even get a solid sentence out – even idea. I am constantly doubting myself and my knowledge. Because at the moment – I am feeling somewhat lost. I have been asking a lot of questions and not finding an answer this equally to more questions. I don’t know what is wrong or right – and I don’t even know if I have a direction.

Yesterdays class forced me to write down these question and say a loud what I have been thinking. But I didn’t really say it out loud – because I doubted myself as soon as I started talking and Paul’s unreadable face intimidated me and so I wanted to get out what I was saying in a better way. Yet, I couldn’t form words. I can’t find clarity at all at the moment.

The way I am living is ‘stable’ (so to speak, in comparison to what I am use too) – and this fact has given me a lot of time to think about myself… I haven’t had this much time to think in a long time. I am usually filled with exterior problems, issues (whateverrrr) that spins through my head. I am also use to moving around A LOT and never living in the one place. I have found myself living in the one place… which is also strange, because I have never lived in one place. So I don’t have a bag constantly packed, I don’t have to plan everywhere I go meticulously and I have time to myself. Although, now I have hit a dilemma of myself and what to do. I don’t even know. This relates to my investigation somehow – I swear.

So back to yesterdays class, this is what I wrote –


“I have been trying to gain perspectives of films on different angles. I have tried to look at it in different roles – such as director and the actor. I have realised that there are two sides – yet they should come together as a unity.

 My cinema teacher said today that a film is 3/4 the way the actors perform. So ¼ is everything else – the mise en scene, the way it’s ‘covered’. He then continued to say that casting would almost be the most important part. This makes me think – actors (performers) have a lot of responsibility. I then thought back to who did the casting. That’s where this big decision comes from. Then I think where did the requirements for the casting come from – again that’s another role, another person/team. At first I completely disagreed with what he had to say – because, come on. Then I started to create the circle, how its formed and who decided what. It also, strangely, makes me want to be a performer or know what it feels like. Do they have as much power as he said they do? Do they really make the film what it is – and do they control the quality by 3/4ths? Why does this make me want to be an actor – is it because I use to dream of it when I was a little girl OR is it because I want more control?

 This makes me think – the people who direct and act in the same film? Surely this is a lot of control. Now you are taking the full responsibility of everything PLUS the performance? Could I do this – am I capable? I guess it’s the best of both worlds. But maybe I can’t act – maybe I am terrible. Maybe I can’t direct but can perform yet take on both roles? But what if I feel so passionate about something I have created and I can find no one to play the role that I have put my heart and soul into thinking up? Does this mean I am capable of doing it? How can I have a non-bias view that I am actually good at acting OR directing.

 I don’t know if I want to act or even direct – I really don’t. But I want to know both sides, or to even see if there is two sides?

 Director and performer – to direct do you need to understand what it’s like to perform?”


What? So many damn questions. This is what happens when I write – anything I think, just goes straight onto what I have written. Good think or bad thing? I need reassurance all the time. Does it even matter? Oh well – moving on.

So this is what I want to do –

Originally – yes, I wanted to create a scene. But now, I am not so sure… This right now, is what interest me. This is what I want to investigate and delve further into. I am not a fan of writing essays – but at this point,  I think I might have to. But it leaves me annoyed – because I really want to create something. I think by doing this though, I will create clarity within my mind. Tomorrow this might change (I am obviously temperamental and my mind is not staying in one place, even though physically I am).

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