Activity Corner – Script Edits.
– Some of the language seems a little misleading; the word ‘plummet’ implies that the shoe itself is falling into this puddle without a foot inside it. A lot of the writing can be cut down when describing Steven stepping into the puddle.
– The constant jumping between INT and EXT. seems very unnecessary due to the fact that the only thing between the two characters is a door. It makes it feel like they’re in entirely different areas when it could be fixed with a simple INT/EXT.
– The phrase ‘Then, as she goes to put down her umbrella” reads a little too much like a story or just overt directions.
– The writer is telling the reader what emotions the characters a feeling. It could be conveyed a lot better with actions rather than straight emotions.
– Some of the language doesn’t quite present the same image of the door. Words like ‘weighty’ and ‘clatter’ create to different images for me.
– I feel like there’s no real need to create an entire big text line to establish the sign for the room in the corridor. That can be cut.
– Grammatical errors ‘fifty-something man’ isn’t really descriptive enough.
– What is a smart suit?
– Descriptions of characters are really vague.
– ‘TAP TAP TAP. TAP TAP TAP.’ could be written into something like “tapping his pen on his desk in beats of three”.
– He bites his lip, frustrated. ‘Frustrated’ almost doesn’t need to be included.
– “Then they find ‘LW2′”
– Is unthinkingly a word?
– No need to repeat the location line. Or maybe more can be done about making it a cut.
A lot of the same problems reoccur here. The writing could definitely use some more description of action rather than statement of emotions. The writer also seems to slip in to some sort of scene direction when they say “then” describing a sequence of events.