I have recently made several startling discoveries. All of them inane, naturally, as I am often fascinated by the inane, but startling all the same.
1. Prep – preparatory year, I am assuming – which was once the very first year of primary school, is now called Foundation. What a dull, uninventive name! At least with Prep no one had any idea what the word meant, which could then spark quite the interesting conversation.
2. MacDonald’s soft serve ice cream is made out of pig fat. Look, I’m not the queasy type. I’ll eat just about anything for the kicks – mostly just to be able to say ‘I’ve eaten guinea pig’ or ‘I’ve eaten cricket’ (both of which are actually remarkably tasty) – but that THE LARD OF A PIG is masquerading as one of the most deliciously cheap treats in the world? I cannot get over. I’m convinced that my next McFlurry will taste of pork.
3. That there is a type of sweat that smells exactly like shop-bought sausage rolls. To be quite honest, this is quite an old discovery of mine, but it continues to disgust me years on and so I feel quite strongly that it is relevant. You will most frequently find this stench aboard public transport in summer, or when stuck in a crowd: in places you cannot escape it.
4. One would expect that a place with the name ‘Lord of the Fries’ would have the greatest chips ever, right? I’m not sure if I just had a faulty batch, but when I had them last Friday they were truly subpar. Like, rename-the-business-Plebeian-of-the-Fries subpar. Maybe my reaction was slightly melodramatic because I had my hopes raised far too high, but it was a letdown all the same.
5. I have double-jointed elbows! I have no idea how I’ve spent all these years in ignorance of this brilliance