Here’s something I thought I’d never say: I miss high school.
(image source: twitter.com)
Not in the sense that I miss my friends – and I know that this should be the reason (it was certainly the only thing I thought I would be missing after I graduated) – but more in the sense that I miss the structure, and at the same time, the freedom. By this, I mean that I miss the structure of day to day life, because if I’m honest, it made me use my time more effectively. I knew when work had to be done, I knew when I could do it, I knew when my classes were and I knew the people I would be around at different times of the day. If I felt bogged down by school, I pushed myself to make time for my music or my art, because it felt so much more important in the face of a crammed schedule. I miss feeling that productive!
This year, however, I feel as though I’ve hit a rut. I haven’t done the things that kept me going in year 12, simply because I have the time for them now. Deep down I know how illogical that is, but it’s like my brain needs the hectic structure of school in order to concentrate on the things I actually enjoy doing. But that’s just it; I didn’t even dislike school work.
Folios were naturally the things that took up most of my time, but they were the things I loved the most about year 12. They were something to be proud of, and I think this is where the freedom aspect comes in. In year 12 I had the freedom to still not know where my future was headed, or how all this work would contribute to it. The work I was doing was just the means to a final grade and an ATAR score, and so there was a lot more freedom to just try. And it was a lot easier this way. Teachers wanted me to succeed, they cared about my work, they asked for time after class and on weekends and I respected that. If a tutor asked me for that extra time and effort, well…
I’m not sure if I’m making sense here, but I suppose what I miss is being able to tell someone, “I don’t know what I want to get into as a career, but I do know that I’m interested in film and design, so I think media is the right course…” Whereas now, if I tell someone I don’t know what I want to get into, the response I get is almost condescending. But it’s been one year! I don’t know any better now than I did then! And going to uni hasn’t helped me narrow down my options like I thought it would. Actually, it has pretty much destroyed most of my interest in what I thought I was getting in to. I’m not ready to grow up, and I’m so afraid of slipping up now and making choices that are going to ruin everything in the future.
I suppose I miss the academic pressure of year 12, because it was a hell of a lot better than the ‘life choices’ pressure of university.