This week we put a spotlight on writing and reinstating story ideas.
On Monday we re-looked at the youtube French short film ‘J’Attendrai Le Suivant’ – ‘I’ll Wait For The Next One’. We were asked to script-ify the first approximate 40 seconds, not necessarily using screenwriting format rules/conventions – the priority was to get the story out in the best possible way. Here is my take on writing the scene:
A 40 year old corporate woman walks along a path leading to the train station. She walks towards us wearing black polished dress shoes. Her pace is not rushed and she wears an insecure, blank expression on her face. She looks around and down longingly. She is banal in that she blends into the crowd of other train commuters. She descends on the escalator and on the escalator adjacent a couple snogging ascend. We view over her shoulder as she looks on as they rise above her. We then see her alone waiting for the train to halt at the platform. As a couple of commuters step off she steps into the carriage among others and stands.
So it definitely needs a re-write, or seven… The most challenging aspect of this task was finding an appropriate voice. I found it difficult to write creatively when analysing an existing story, already in video form I mean. I felt awkward and trapped writing from an already established/obvious perspective. I get into the film studies zone and want to analyse the shot type and frame compositions. Deciphering meaning and intentions is my autopilot and writing the scene was a step backward I wasn’t very comfortable taking.
The class and Stayci workshopped my messy line: “she descends on the escalator and on the escalator adjacent a couple snogging ascend. We view over her shoulder, she looks on as they rise above her.”
This definitely needs some cleaning up in the use of elevator twice and ascending/descending, though the double meaning of is she looks on as they rise above her” was deliberate and I wanted to hold onto that.
My revision: “Her eyes are glued to the snogging couple as they ascend above her on the adjacent escalator as she is descending.” Perhaps the last action could be removed: “Her eyes are glued to the snogging couple as they ascend above her on the adjacent escalator.”
On Wednesday we were set a mission: to venture outside the classroom in groups and take 5-9 images (to work as frames) that communicate a visual story. I worked with Ben, Eve, Jocelyn and Jasmjin, and we took our story down an experiment doco path.
After sharing our visual stories as a class we were instructed to provide a peer review and treatment to different visual stories. I really liked the other group’s concept of personifying the bin, it was very creative/original. I thought the shots were sequential and cohesive also. Perhaps some different shot types/POVs could have helped with displaying the bin’s power ie using low/high angles. I decided to write a treatment on my group’s visual story:
A discarded coffee cup lays lonesome on the campus path between the recycle and waste bins. A half-assed effort. Students avoid the obstruction by stepping over it and cutting sharp angles to avoid it. They are busy in conversation and their routine to notice, and those that do pretend not to. Suddenly, a handsome hero zooms in on a skateboard, he is our anticipated saviour. He comes to a halt, picks up the cup and places it in the waste bin, before setting his skateboard down and zooming off into the distance.
I was pretty proud of this little piece considering I wrote it just after eating the sushi that gave me food poisoning (don’t go to Sushi Sushi Melbourne Central!!) I shared it with the class and Stayci liked how my voice resonates through it. So do I.
