Critique and the Art of Connection

Do you see me?

Its been a while since I last experienced symptoms of panic, which was one of the reasons why it caught me by surprise today. Final edits were being made to our self-portrait pieces and, as per usual, we were divided to give feedback on the work we have done. I don’t usually fear criticism, but when eyes turned to my open Premiere Pro project I could feel my heart rate  begin to elevate. Excuses crawled from my mouth about why my work was the way it was, covering mistakes for an audience who were yet to even see them. They brushed them off and told me to stop putting it off leaving me only to turn to my screen and timidly hit the space bar.

Its a weird phenomenon, I find, when you play your work for an audience for the first time. Hours of editing leaves you numb to the content of the work, its message and flow becoming a technical thing rather than an emotional one as you focus on dissected detail and not the project at large… but when you sit down, with other people who turn fresh eyes and expectant ears to your work it feels like the first time for you as well. You sit as an audience member and take in the narrative as a relative stranger.

I think this happens due to the fear of critique. In that moment you try to put yourself in the place of those you are showing, so that you can see what it is that they see, which, in this particular case, was a strange experience.

The idea of being able to sum a single life up in one minute is laughable, however that was the task that was at hand and so I watched on as I presented myself to the four others on my table. I didn’t gage their reaction, I didn’t even look at them. Instead I was fixated on the images on my screen flowing by in rapid succession. I searched for myself, in this moment, within my images. I took no notice of the nitty gritty, like I have been this past week, I didn’t look at it as a media student at all. Instead I looked as a stranger to technique, trying to find my narrative, and wondering if those around me would see it too.

A great problem I had with this project was the idea of self expression, as a whole. The language of film relies on the audience having a knowledge of the imagery they see so that they can give it the applicable meaning. Identity relies on the opposite. Whilst film requires common ground, identity requires dissimilarity. What makes me who I am is what separates me from those around me, so the images that I have to show represent me within the gap of meaning, rather than any shared significance.

In watching my work with fresh eyes I began to realise that this problem would likely embed itself within everything I do. As a creator I will need to find the line between self-expression and interpersonal connection. Whilst conclusions could be drawn from my piece from those sitting around me, there is no way that those images resonated for them the way they did for me and I am beginning to realise that it will be an imperative sign of my growth as an artist when such a divide is no longer there. Sure each individual will take a different meaning from the media that they watch but it shows true craftsmanship to lead an audience through your narrative. To deliver them to landscapes they would not have otherwise found on their own.

As of now it seems impossible to present my identity through film… a relative oxymoron, however perhaps it wont be in the future.

As I watched my work, my heart rate slowed again, I relaxed in my chair and I came to grips with the imperfections in my work. I was relying on the image’s intrinsic meaning in my eyes, only realising with their exhibition to an audience, that I had disregarded them in the creative process. What makes me who I am may be my differences, but that should not stand in the way of my work. I need to become someone capable of creating meaning, not simply relying on pre-packaged significance. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my work. I have become comfortable with previously foreign software and made something that I think is beautiful and a true reflection of my capabilities… but its a stepping stone not the final brick in the wall.

It may have been a self portrait, but they were not seeing me. Sure I was in there. Every image, every sound, all were a part of me but the fact is, I am going to need to work a lot harder before people are going to be able to see me within them.