Script Draft Feedback
Week 9 collaborating and showing our work in progress to new teammates was a good process. I had positive feedbacks and comments to help me further improve my script. We went through scene by scene. I will go through the major parts that had the most comment and how I should improve on it.
EXT. CITY - DAY The tall buildings loom over the city. Anna drives through the city and glances at the people on the streets. She sees familiar faces. MISS ROSERTA, is selling a bouquet of flowers to an old lady . MR CARLO unloading coffee beans from the truck. The city is quiet even though people are hustling their way to work.
The feedback I received was to cancel “she sees familiar faces” but instead show who they are. So I will need to add more characters so that it will give a sense that the protagonist knows who the people are in the city. It will help to give a sense that the city is not that big at all. In addition, I will also describe the city a bit more in depth so that the readers will be able to visualise it better.
INT. HOSPITAL - ELEVATOR - DAY She enters the elevator, press the first floor button and checks herself in the reflection. Underneath her navy blue coat she is wearing a white peter pan collar knitwear and a black formal pants. She give herself a satisfying look before the elevator stops at her floor and as soon she steps out a petite nurse come rushing to her.
I had mixed reviews for the part that is highlighted. The disagreeing part was that I should either establish it at the very beginning or at the end of page 3. When she takes off her coat and we can see what she wears clearly. I might have to consider where I want this scene to be placed at. I understood what my team of feedbacks were trying to say. Since we saw the character at the very beginning getting ready to go to work wouldn’t we be seeing what she is wearing already? Another teammate suggested that I could replace it with her touching up her makeup. I am still working on what the character can do in this scene.
Another feedback I received was to know when to place the scene headings. For example from the scene above do I create INT. HOSPITAL – FIRST FLOOR – DAY right after when Anna meets the nurse on the first floor of the hospital or do I just leave it as it is. I had trouble writing this part and the team suggested taking out the scene heading and then just continuing the dialogue. I felt that I should create a new scene heading since the character is on a different floor, however, we are already on the floor where the nurse comes rushing in. I am kind of confused on how to break a location or know when to insert a new scene heading.
I am so grateful for all the amazing feedbacks I had for the first draft. I will be amending some of the scenes and hopefully work on a few scene excerpts that best portray the whole world. Stay tune to “Cold Soul” draft 2.
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