Dan and Farina’s Early Feedback

In class this week are presented Dan and Farina ‘Another World Screenplay Draft 3’ and they gave me some interesting feedback as to how I could improve my script. Not everything that they said I agreed with, however a lot of it made sense, so in a couple of weeks when I go back and refine everything its important for me to note these things. In bold is the direct feedback, in italics is my response.

  • Whats the purpose of putting his hand in the sand? What am I trying to say? This is a good bit of feedback, because it  wasn’t saying flat out ‘this makes no sense’, it instead questioned my motives. The reason I wrote this in, was not to reveal much about character or world, but instead to write a more specific scene. Sometimes its nice looking at something small whilst something much bigger is unfolding. 
  • The ocean being stagnant is good.
  • *untill he notices a lone distant figure walking down the beach*
  • Ryan looks out at the ocean. (not continue to look out at the ocean).
  • Consistent pace is design to show that he is walking with an objective. He is not staring at the ocean, he is a focused man. 
  • “I’m led to believe” sounds a bit clumsy, supposedly he is lower classer. This is a genuine concern, however he is addressing and to an extent threatening a stranger, maybe it is sort of mock formal. He wouldn’t talk like this to his friends. 
  • Instead of “Hey, Are you Ryan Callaghan?” instead it could be “Callaghan?” “Are you Callaghan?”. This is something I will take on board, presumable Leon knows who Ryan is in the script. Ryan is essentially the only one there who wasn’t born or raised in the place. 
  • Think of Leons speech as police like.
  • How specific can you be?
  • Does it really have to be this dramatic? Maybe another cigarette? 
  • Think about changing the “looks” and dramatic glances in the scene.
  • Ryan smirks.
  • Don’t write ‘gestures to Leon’. Who else would he gesture too?
  • Is $65 too much? Potentially I could make it only $55. However I like the idea of a minor victory, as if Ryan only gave Leon that amount simply to spite him. 
  • No reluctance from Leon when accepting the money.
  • Maybe Ryan gives Leon an antagonistic look?
  • Things to change: Leons character. And economise the big print. Keep things more concise.

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