Give myself a premise?

As we age we lose something.

How does this influence my story?

Those who learn to let go end up, those who choose not to fight end up better. Perhaps Ryan chooses to not fight and Juliet decides to not give up.

Things I’ve worked on

Take a photo of what I wrote in my book (of my notes) and talk about how a) they were inspired by the in class script editing exercise and that b) how applied them to my second draft

Juliet

Juliet is a lonely middle aged woman. She is pale. She is slightly overweight and quite boring. Just last night I came up with the idea of having Juliet’s story run parallel with the town. Juliet, like the town was once bright, caring and pretty. As the years have gone by She has lost her spark, her personality is smothered and subdued. To quote a piece of creative writing I did a month or so back for this course ‘Time doesn’t tell us what it takes, it just takes’. This rings true for Juliet.

Ryan

So far I have portrayed Ryan as being a blank canvas. He is non-reactionary and is a symbol of the average person. However, I think I would like him to not just be average, but to be polar-opposite of the people of this town. For him to wear knitted jumpers, glasses, well-read, underweight, maybe even snobbish or a know-it-all. Because he is my protagonist he needs to be stronger, more identifiable.

In class this week are presented Dan and Farina ‘Another World Screenplay Draft 3’ and they gave me some interesting feedback as to how I could improve my script. Not everything that they said I agreed with, however a lot of it made sense, so in a couple of weeks when I go back and refine everything its important for me to note these things. In bold is the direct feedback, in italics is my response.

• Whats the purpose of putting his hand in the sand? What am I trying to say? This is a good bit of feedback, because it  wasn’t saying flat out ‘this makes no sense’, it instead questioned my motives. The reason I wrote this in, was not to reveal much about character or world, but instead to write a more specific scene. Sometimes its nice looking at something small whilst something much bigger is unfolding. 
• The ocean being stagnant is good.
• *untill he notices a lone distant figure walking down the beach*
• Ryan looks out at the ocean. (not continue to look out at the ocean).
• Consistent pace is design to show that he is walking with an objective. He is not staring at the ocean, he is a focused man. 
• “I’m led to believe” sounds a bit clumsy, supposedly he is lower classer. This is a genuine concern, however he is addressing and to an extent threatening a stranger, maybe it is sort of mock formal. He wouldn’t talk like this to his friends. 
• Instead of “Hey, Are you Ryan Callaghan?” instead it could be “Callaghan?” “Are you Callaghan?”. This is something I will take on board, presumable Leon knows who Ryan is in the script. Ryan is essentially the only one there who wasn’t born or raised in the place. 
• Think of Leons speech as police like.
• How specific can you be?
• Does it really have to be this dramatic? Maybe another cigarette? 
• Think about changing the “looks” and dramatic glances in the scene.
• Ryan smirks.
• Don’t write ‘gestures to Leon’. Who else would he gesture too?
• Is $65 too much? Potentially I could make it only $55. However I like the idea of a minor victory, as if Ryan only gave Leon that amount simply to spite him. 
• No reluctance from Leon when accepting the money.
• Maybe Ryan gives Leon an antagonistic look?
• Things to change: Leons character. And economise the big print. Keep things more concise.

Because lots of my early work has been short story writing it is important that I adapt what I have written into a screen world. Through my previous medium, I was able to thoroughly describe the intentions and motivations behind my characters actions (because I could communicate through writing directly from my character’s minds). However, in my screenplay writing I must find a way to show these things. It will be important for me to think symbolically, how can I put these thoughts into behaviour? How can I communicate this mood through visuals?

Below is an in class activity that allowed me to work on my skill to do this.

Hints:

• Only write what the camera is seeing.
• Verbs not adjectives makes the script become playable.
• Don’t write ‘she’s feeling rebellious’ instead write ‘she kicks over the chair’. The latter is active and inherently visual.

Writing Prompt

Rinaldos so tired of his children’s bickering. He can’t bear to be a single dad and is at the end of his tether. He feels guilty and angry with himself.

RINALDO LOOKS ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM AND SEES HIS TWO CHILDREN, DARYL (AGE 6) AND LORENZO (AGE 7), FIGHTING. HE SHUTS HIS EYES AND RUBS HIS FACE. THE CHILDREN CONTINUE RUNNING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM. HE EXITS THE ROOM AND WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY UNTILL HE REACHES THE DOOR THAT LEADS TO HIS BALCONY. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND LEANS AGAINST THE IRON RAILING. RINALDO DIGS INTO HIS RIGHT POCKET AND FINDS A PACKET OF CIGARETTES. HESITANTLY HE TAKES ONE OUT OF THE PACKET AND LIGHTS IT WITH THE REDHEADS LYING NEXT TO THE ASH TRAY. RINALDO SMOKES A CIGARETTE WITH HIS RIGHT HAND AND RUBS HIS EYES WITH HIS LEFT. HE TURNS TO HIS RIGHT AND LOOKS INTO HIS NEIGHBOURS WINDOW. HE SEES HIS NEIGHBOUR LAUREN DOING THE DISHES. SHE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AT HIM. RINALDO STARES AT HER UNTILL SHE PULLS UP THE BLIND.