Why does every country, city, nationality, religion, gender need a different way to say hello or goodbye. We already have different currencies, different languages, different foods, different customs, so you would think that we, as a world, could come to a collective decision on the proper etiquette of greetings.

I write this with rage.

Do not even begin to think you can fool me, by claiming you have never in your life had an awkward encounter when saying hello or goodbye. You can’t. Leave now. Goodbye. Farewell. And don’t bother leaving with your chosen way, both visual and non-visual of a toodle-oo.
Being involved in one and witnessing one unfold are equally as uncomfortable. Actually, no, I take that back. The awkward body movement, arms flapping, heads moving around, bums sticking out followed by a pat on the back as the sign of forfeiture, are just some of the movements involved in an awkward meeting.
If you still don’t know what I am talking about, let me break it down for you.
You see a person (this argument excludes close friends). This may be a friend’s parent, a mutual friend you have been introduced to several times, a workmate, someone you are meeting for the first time who does not hold a superior position over you i.e. a boss or the president. What do you do when saying hello?
Many European countries, although being in economic turmoil, have at least personal relationships figured out. The same greeting is used to say hello and goodbye, regardless of age, status, and relationship. That is probably why the French have time to sit around and eat cheese and drink wine and look down on the rest of the world!

In Australia, we need to take a leaf from their book and sort our shit out.
We need to all come together as a community, a country, and decide collectively, how we are going to tackle this issue and not make something so quintessentially simple into World War 3?
If for anything, we have basically screwed up the future’s of our children, so when global warming hits, and they are struggling to stay afloat on massive I-pads, drifting past the devastation and carnage their ancestors have left, wouldn’t we like to think that seeing another group of stranded souls wouldn’t not add to their depression and anxieties?

Do we give a kiss on the cheek? A hug? A hug and a kiss? A hug and a kiss, kiss? A hug and a kiss, kiss, kiss? A kiss locking lips? A kiss locking lips with some saliva exchange produced by the tongue? A wave from afar? A pat on the back? A nod? A “sup” nod? Do we blow a kiss whilst sticking out our behinds? Do we bow and curtsy? Do we show the peace sign? Do we show the star wars finger-thing?  Or should we scrap all these and come up with a radical new greeting altogether?
I for one alternate between the one sided kiss and the one-sided kiss and hug, depending on the situation and the person. I use alternate lightly, as half the time it results in me kissing the side of someone’s head whilst awkwardly being locked in an uncomfortable exchange.

So for the love of god, for the love of our unborn children, for the love of human sanity, let us please come up with a solution to this dire situation.